"Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn" – Like Star Wars, If Star Wars Forgot Its Own Plot

If you've ever wondered what would happen if "Star Wars" and "Mad Max" had a weird, low-budget baby and then left it in a thrift store, congratulations—you've imagined "Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn."

This 1983 sci-fi Western, directed by Charles Band, throws space rangers, mind-controlling crystals, and desert chases into a blender and hits "chaos."

Starring Jeffrey Byron as Dogen, a space ranger whose main skills seem to be staring intensely and falling off things, and Kelly Preston as Shala, a character so underdeveloped she might as well be a houseplant, the movie is a dazzling ode to low-budget ambition.

Throw in Tim Thomerson as the roguish Rhodes and Richard Moll as the one-eyed villain Jared-Syn, and you've got a cast that delivers their lines like they're competing for "most awkward performance" at a community theater awards show.

Despite its many (many) flaws, "Metalstorm" is the kind of glorious cinematic mess that deserves a spot in the cult movie hall of fame. Let's dive into its oddities, shall we?

Synopsis

Here's the plot. Dogen, the galaxy's least impressive space ranger, is on a mission to stop the evil Jared-Syn, a cyclopean villain with a glowing crystal and a deep commitment to bad decisions.

Along the way, Dogen meets Shala, a damsel in distress whose primary role is to look concerned while Jared-Syn waves his magical crystal around. Meanwhile, Jared-Syn's ultimate plan seems to involve taking over the wasteland and hypnotizing people, presumably because being a regular villain is too boring.

Teaming up with Rhodes, a Han Solo knockoff who brings all the charm of a grumpy uncle forced to chaperone a middle school dance, Dogen traverses dusty planets, fights off bizarre mutants, and barely survives a series of increasingly ridiculous threats.

There are desert chases, laser battles, and hallucination sequences involving glowing crystals that feel like they were sponsored by the local lava lamp factory. By the time the credits roll, you'll have more questions than answers—most notably, "What did I just watch?"

Themes

What "Metalstorm" lacks in coherent storytelling, it makes up for in unintentional thematic depth. On the surface, it's a classic battle of good versus evil, but don't expect nuanced commentary here. Dogen's journey is less about defeating Jared-Syn and more about surviving a barrage of plot contrivances.

This makes him a kind of accidental hero, a guy just trying to make it through the galaxy without being vaporized.

Then there's the film's obsession with crystals—mind-controlling crystals, hallucinogenic crystals, and crystals that probably double as paperweights. They're clearly meant to symbolize power and control, but mostly, they just look like props stolen from a roadside gift shop.

Still, the movie inadvertently touches on the dangers of unchecked authority, even if it does so in the most nonsensical way possible.

And let's not overlook the underlying message about perseverance.

Sure, "Metalstorm" might feel like it was cobbled together by a group of people who lost the script halfway through, but there's something inspiring about its sheer audacity. It's a reminder that even the wildest creative visions deserve to see the light of day—preferably in a dark room filled with people laughing at them.

Who Will Watch This?

This movie is tailor-made for two types of people. Fans of "so bad it's good" cinema and anyone who's ever uttered the phrase, "Let's watch something terrible for fun." It's perfect for a Friday night with friends, a pile of junk food, and the expectation that you'll be yelling at the screen within five minutes.

Cult movie enthusiasts will appreciate the movie's baffling charm, from its janky special effects to its bizarre dialogue. Meanwhile, sci-fi nostalgists might enjoy the film as a time capsule of early '80s low-budget creativity, when directors could slap together a few lasers, some fog machines, and a desert backdrop and call it a day.

Ultimately, "Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn" isn't a movie you watch for the plot or the acting—it's an experience, a chaotic fever dream of sci-fi clichés and questionable choices. So grab some popcorn, turn off your brain, and enjoy the ride. It's a disaster, but it's your disaster.